To the mouse in my apartment.
Dear mouse that is living in my apartment,
Please go away.
You do not pay rent and I want to evict you.
Why are you so stubborn? For a week I've placed very sticky traps to lure you into submission and you've strategically avoided all of them. You don't even seem to like the tasty poison I've left for you.
Last night, when you sauntered from the fridge towards the bookshelf, paused, and turned back towards the fridge, a part of me sympathized for your nomadic life.
But here's the thing, buddy. I spent a very long time trying to move to my apartment. Yes, I know its a pretty hip NYC neighborhood and many people want to live there, but it is my name on the lease, not yours. You don't live there! I hear there are plenty of new up-and-coming neighborhoods in Midtown West or Queens -- go to Astoria! Why won't you go there??
You've made my home feel foreign and my meditative relaxation before bed is now filled with anxiety and fear that I'll wake up with you next to me.
So mouse, I won't kill you if I don't have to. Grab some crumbs and go home. I'm sure your family misses you.
The lawful resident of my apartment